To my darling, Darwin.
This letter, I guess will start as an apology and end with a promise. You were my third baby. I had already had one difficult pregnancy and a difficult delivery. Then I had you. When you arrived we had not long started going down the route that eventually lead to Zachary’s Autism diagnosis. It was hard, however we all got through it. But in all honesty, I was a mess. I put on a smile everyday, but inside I guess, really, I felt broken.
You are about to turn 4 and you haven’t had it easy. You have had problems with your ears and ultimately your ability to communicate has been compromised. You’ve struggled. It breaks my heart to think how much you have struggled. I think sometimes I do this as I feel the tears wouldn’t stop flowing. You have had to contend with a Mama distracted by your other siblings and then another turbulent pregnancy and delivery. Although I have always tried to make sure you get the support you need, it hasn’t been with the same open heart I have done it for your brothers. I am sorry.
I am sorry for every time I have shouted, for every time I have got frustrated over feeling touched out, For every time you have have repeated the same word over and over and I just haven’t been able to understand what you were trying to say, I am sorry for being so tired, so worn down, I am sorry for every time you have needed me and I haven’t been there and I am sorry I haven’t been the parent I have wanted to be. You don’t know it, but I have been fighting my own battle inside and at times I have wanted to just walk away.
Mama is feeling better now and I can see past my failings to the opportunities presented to me now. This is where my promise starts. I promise everyday to try and do better. To be the Mama you want, need and deserve. I promise to look into your eyes and see your vulnerability. I promise to protect you. I promise not to feel frustrated that you need more help, support and love than I have previously given you. I promise to try my best and I promise to understand and accept that sometimes ‘good enough’ is more than enough from both of us.
I love this photo of you. You were poorly and had stripped off your clothes and fell asleep, half lying, half standing on the sofa. I looked at you and it hit me right in my heart. Just how vulnerable you are. You are so capable and self sufficient, but you need me, in many different ways. You need me and I need you. I will always be here for you. My small, sweet boy. Even when you are no longer small and no longer a boy, but a man. I will always be here for you, I always have been. You hold my heart within yours and I have yours within mine. We are eternally entwined.
I will love you forever
Your Mama x