When the going has been ridiculously tough, all I’ve had to do is look at you

The following letter was written by Nicky for her Daughter on the eve of her 2nd birthday.

Dear B

Tomorrow you are 2. Yep, that means we have had the pleasure of your company for 371 days. And to say those 371 days have had their ups and downs would be an understatement. You see, something happened just over a year ago that changed our lives, and not in a good way. I won’t write about it now, but I will one day, as I want you to know all about the very, very special person who isn’t with us any more. But it’s not the time for dwelling on that now. Now is the time for me to say Sorry. Because I know that sometimes, during that time, I haven’t been the best Mummy I could have, and should have, been for you. You see, my beautiful baby girl, some days the wave of sadness that has engulfed me has been so big, that I’ve struggled just to keep my head above the water. And on those days, although I’ve still been here for you, I haven’t really been properly here – my head and my heart have been occupied. And I’m so very sorry. It doesn’t mean I haven’t loved you more than I can say, but my heart has been aching so much that I’ve found it difficult to remember to show you that. Sometimes, being a Mummy is so hard because it feels like you don’t have the space to be ‘you’. And some days I’ve just had to be more ‘me’ than ‘Mummy me’. And I know that it isn’t truly a bad thing – I’ve had to, to get through, but I wanted to say sorry for not being quite as ‘Mummy me’ as you deserved.

The other thing I have to say is Thank you. From the bottom of my heart. Just having you in my life has given me a reason to get out of bed. You have needed me, and so I have not been allowed to get completely swallowed by that wave. When the going has been ridiculously tough, all I’ve had to do is look at you, hold your hand, and I’ve managed to get through. You are the reason I am ‘Mummy me’ and without being her I wouldn’t have coped. I know life will continue to throw horrible, difficult things at us, because that is life, unfortunately. But I also know that whatever happens you will always be there. And whether you are 2, or 22, I will always be ‘Mummy me’ and that will always be my reason to be. Thank you. And Happy Birthday.

All my love

Mummy xxx

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