My shining light

Artwork: Charlotte Peach

 

To my sweetest girl,

I’m not really sure how to find the right words for this letter. I suppose it begins as an apology. When I dreamt of my baby and the tiny human that was growing inside of me, I pictured what our life would be like. I always wanted you to feel safe and loved but I also wanted our lives to be fun. You, me and Dada. I imagined days out together and the adventures we would have. I never imagined that one day there would be a time that we weren’t a three.

This is where I feel the apology needs to be. I feel guilty for choosing happiness over our family unit. I loved your Dada but over time we grew apart. I wasn’t happy anymore and I don’t believe he was either. When he asked me that day if I was happy and I replied no, that it would appear, sparked the beginning of the end. I wanted us to be happy all together but I could see that wouldn’t happen. We tried but we wanted different adventures. In the end the need for us all to be happy became greater than the need for the three of us all being together.

Growing up with my parents apart I swore that wouldn’t happen to you. We were in love and I thought there wouldn’t be a chance that we would follow down the same path. I craved a life filled with adventure and love and enjoying just being together, through the easy and difficult times.

I sit here now nearly 8 months later and the guilt feels overwhelming. I wonder all the time if I could have done more. If I should never have said no when he asked. But as much as I want happiness in my life, I want it in yours more. I wanted you to live in a house that was full of love and one that you wanted to be in. Dada and I never argued but I knew neither of us were happy anymore and that one day that would affect you too.

When the final call was made, the fight left me and it was so incredibly hard. Happiness was definitely not in my life then; but you were. My shining light. I knew that one day this would pass and I wanted everyone to find peace and a way forward.

My wish and hope for you is that you live a life that is full and happy and while we may not live together, that you have two parents who love you more than you will ever know. I worry you will feel that we did wrong by you, but know I always tried my best. Maybe if you ever find yourself in my position, which I hope you never do, you may understand the decisions made. Please know that I only ever wanted the best for you, but also for me and Dada.

You fill my life with happiness and joy.

Love forever and always,

Mama xxx

 

This letter was written by Frankie Leigh Convine for her daughter Luna. You can follow their adventures on Instagram.

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