The following letter is from Jessica who blogs at The Legacy of Leo for her son Eli. Sadly Eli’s older brother Leo was stillborn and Jessica and her wife are passionate about sharing the honest truth of baby loss, stillbirth, miscarriage and pregnancy after loss on their blog. Jessica’s wife and father-in-law are also fundraising for Tommy’s by riding in Ride London this Sunday. Please read their story and why they are dedicating their efforts to Tommy’s and maybe think about contributing.
Today, is your due date. It wasn’t ever a date we fixated on, as we knew you’d be born before today. Yet, it holds quite a bit of significance – the official date you’d be fully cooked. I’ve often wondered over the past few months, that had your brother lived, when would you have been born. I often think the same for your brother too. It’s an unanswerable question though.
What I do know, is that, today, on the 10th July 2017, you are here with us and it’s wonderful. For so long, I didn’t know what this picture looked like, or what we’d journey through to get to today. But with your wriggling womb legs, and your squeaky noises – you have made your presence known and felt. My only wish for you, would be for your brother to be here, and for him to be practising his best big brother mischief.
I’ve tried to tell you a little bit about your brother, but you may have noticed, it doesn’t really end well yet. I’ll keep working on it, because we want you to know your brother, to remember him and to be able to say his name. You will always be brothers, you see, even though he isn’t here. He is yours, and you are his.
When I was pregnant with you, we fought so hard to get you here. It was so difficult at times. But believe me, when I say, I’d do it all again, for you. I can’t quite believe that it’s been four weeks already since you entered the world, and looked at us for the first time. I can’t believe that we made it, and we are together. You’ve overcome so much (including my incessant poking) and we are so very, very proud of you. I will always hold a bit of guilt for making you arrive early, but you settle my worried brain with just how well you’ve handled your early entrance.
Please know, you and Leo, are two seperate people. We love you both, equally. We don’t expect more from you, just because Leo isn’t here. Nor do we expect you to heal us, or remove the pain that we have from missing your brother – you are your own person, in your own right. It is up to us, to heal us. Not you.
We are working on creating as many memories as possible with you. We want to cherish these early days, and all of the days to come. Each day is a true gift to spend it with you, and whilst we may sneak in a few naps here or there, we will never forget our gratitude that you are part of our days. It feels like you’ve always been here, it’s gone by in a whirlwind, but these days are being savoured, I promise.
We do not know what the future will bring us, but I am looking forward to finding out what beautiful moments we can all create together.
We love you, always.